Why is Love Not Enough – Things that Compete with Love Part 3

Love is the greatest gift we could ever give or receive. Anyone who has ever felt genuine Godly love can attest to this fact. Love is the one thing that can change every area of our lives if we let it. In fact, love is so amazing that the Bible says it is greater than both faith and hope (1 Corinthians 13:13). Jesus also says in Mark 12:31 that there is no greater commandment than to love.

Like This Content On FacebookIt is no surprise then as to why the enemy uses so many different things to compete with love. In part one of this series we discussed how the need to hold on to our truth, blame, pride/shame, and scapegoating prevents us from giving and receiving love. In part two we covered how narcissism, power, control, revenge, justice, and fairness could stand in the way of love. Feel free to go back and read the other two parts if you have not done so as yet.

Done? Great, now let’s get into the third and final part on this topic. In this part, we’re going to look at how self-pity, anger, bitterness, competition, and hidden agendas compete with love.

Self-Pity

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

In today’s day and age, it’s not only common to think of ourselves as the center of our own little worlds but it’s also normal. In fact, even though Romans 12:3 says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought,” many people today will encourage us to think as highly of ourselves as possible.

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The problem with thinking too highly of ourselves is that it opens us up to toxic emotions like self-pity. Instead of counting it all joy when we meet trials, we start feeling sorry for ourselves and begin indulging in self-pity. We believe that we are victimized, inadequate, and unfairly treated by God.

Self-pity robs us of our joy and makes it difficult to see the many blessings God has given us. It also makes it harder to love God and others because we feel like everyone is against us all the time. This then pushes us to make bad decisions and hurt those who love us because we feel the need to protect ourselves or fight back.

A prime example of self-pity is found in King Ahab’s wicked life. Ahab coveted a vineyard belonging to Naboth and wanted to buy it; when Naboth refused to sell it, “Ahab went home, sullen and angry... he lay on his bed sulking and refusing to eat” (1 Kings 21:4). Imagine, a king pouting in his palace, unable to see what he was already blessed with! Ahab was only made happy again when his wife, the evil Jezebel, set in motion a plan to have Naboth murdered (1 Kings 21:15–16). 

Self-pity is never good, no matter the circumstance. It’s a waste of your time and energy, plus it almost always leads to bad decisions, maybe not as bad as murder, but still bad. Therefore, we need to try and avoid it at all costs.

Anger and Bitterness

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32

Feeling angry isn’t wrong, it’s a valid reaction to certain situations in life, so it isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, anger can sometimes be healthy, especially when used in a positive way.

The problem is that most people don’t know how to use their anger constructively. The majority of people allow anger to get the better of them. They either allow it to evoke negative behavior in them or they bottle it up, enabling it to turn into bitterness and resentment.

Bitterness is settled anger or harbored hurt. It happens when someone does something that bothers or hurts us, and we do not quickly choose forgiveness (as Christ would do). This type of feeling almost always seeks revenge and is very destructive to love. It is also usually directed at someone we once loved.  

For love to win over anger and bitterness we need to learn to forgive. Forgiving someone who broke your trust and hurt you is never easy, but it is possible. Ask God to help you forgive and to remove the bitterness that has taken root in your heart. It may seem impossible now, but with God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

Competition

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

Winning is a positive thing, I mean nobody ever gets into anything hoping they would lose. We all want to be winners in life but the desire to win against others often keeps the battle against love alive.

See, competition can be used to bring out the best in people, but it can also be used to create a mindset that is poisonous. When people are competing with one another, they are driven to seek power over the other person in order to increase their own power.  This makes it a lot harder to love each other because all we can really think about is defeating one another.

We are all different parts of the body of Christ and just like our bodies need each part to function well, we need each other. Loving each other helps us work well together in the kingdom of God while competing with each other does not.

Therefore, it is extremely important to look not only at your own interests but also the interests of others. Being humble and counting others as more significant than yourself will always make the love you feel for them stronger.

Hidden Agendas

So that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. - Ephesians 4:14

In our relationships with others, we all have hidden agendas. The agenda is often as easy as the need to be liked. At other times, it has to do with a business deal or a significant favor that we want. It would be naive to believe that we will or should never have a relationship with an agenda. However, it's important that we are at least mindful of it when we do it.

Jesus didn’t have a hidden agenda in any of His relationships with people. But, He did have an agenda that He wore on His sleeve and that agenda was to love. He said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in my heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Because my yoke is free, and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30).

On another occasion, he said, "No one has greater love than this, that he lays down his life for his friends. You are My friends" (John 15:13-14). As He was getting nailed on the cross for the people that hurt and betrayed Him, Jesus proved that love conquers all. There will always be things that compete with love but there is nothing more powerful than it.

With love, there are no enemies, no self-pity, no negative agendas, and no competition. Love is kind, accepting, forgiving, generous, kind, and always seeks the good of the other person.

Love is the ultimate emotion and while we can't control how we react to the things we perceive as a threat to our relationship, we can learn to understand our emotions, and the emotions of others. We can keep our love for one another alive and healthy by not allowing anything that competes with love to take root in our hearts.

If you are ready to deal with the things that compete with love, I highly recommend scheduling an appointment with a qualified Christian mental health therapist and/or checking out the below books on marriage and love.  

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Note: the idea that there are 12 things that compete with love was first present in Feeling Good Together: The Secret of Making Troubled Relationships Work by David Burns and adapted for a Christian audience by this author.  

About the Author: 

Corine Williams, Ph.D. is Clinical Psychologist that is currently seeing clients in the States of Maryland, New Jersey, and New York. You can find out more about her practice by visiting www.therapyforchristians.com/corinewilliams.  In addition to providing individual therapy, Dr. Williams is also passionate about writing books and designing merchandise that educate, uplift, and normalize mental health subjects in the Christian community. You can find out more about her at  www.booksbycorine.com or by visiting her amazon profile here: https://www.amazon.com/Corine-Hyman/e/B00AWZ5FL2

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