In part one of things that compete with love, I discussed how the need to hold on to our truth, blame, pride/shame and scapegoating all prevents us from giving and receiving love.  In part two of this topic, I will cover how narcissism, power,  control, revenge,  justice, and fairness all stand in the way of love. 

Narcissism

Love is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered

 1 Corinthians 13:5b (NIV)

Words like vanity, self-love, self-admiration, self-absorption, self-obsession, conceit, self-regard, and a preoccupation with one’s own ambitions all have one thing in common: the self is viewed as the crux of importance. They also describe people who suffer from narcissism. People who suffer from narcissism often become enraged at the slightest hint of criticism or things not going their way.  What most people don’t realize is that everyone has a narcissistic trait in them. This trait, when activated, prevents us from forming loving relationships.  The reason why we cannot form loving relationships when we are “narcistic” is because we are preoccupied with promoting ourselves and pursuing our own goals to notice the people around us. 

I can remember a time with the narcissistic trait was activated in me. There is a huge age gap between me and my two younger sisters (14 and 6 years).  Once I became an adult, I took on the responsibility to take them school shopping each year.  One year, me taking them school shopping became a duty (something I just need to get done), instead of a privilege.  As a result, I figured out the quickest way to get the shopping done, so that I get back to my young adult life.  This plan involved going to the mall and dividing and concurring.  I would take my youngest sister with me and give the oldest sister money to get her shopping done. I was so busy accomplishing my plan, that I did not realize my oldest sister had grown a lot over the summer and could no longer shop in the section of the store she was used to shopping in.  As a result, my sister ended up feeling frustrated and bad about the way her body had changed without having anyone there to help her navigate those changes.  Thankfully, when I saw her later in the shopping experience. . . empty handed and bagless, the Holy Spirit convicted me.  Looking back on that situation, I also realize it could have been avoided if I was not so focused on my own agenda and took time to notice my teenage sister.  While the Holy Spirit brought to my attention what was going on that time, I often wonder how many times over my life have I been too “narcissistic” to even be aware of what the Spirit was telling me.  In order to give and receive love, we must guard against narcissism and being too preoccupied without our own agenda to notice others around us.

Power and Control

Love does not demand its own way. 1 Corinthians 13:5 

Another translation of 1 Corinthians 13:5 reads “love does not demand its own way.”  How many times have you thought if my husband or wife would just do it my way, things would be better?  The need to have things our way often interferes with our ability to give and receive love.  Instead of focusing on how to show other love, we sometimes get caught up in ways to use different forms of manipulation to influence to get others to do things our way. 

However, Jesus preaches against the need to control others.   In the New Testament, we see Jesus teaching His disciples what it means to be a servant-leader (Luke 22:25-26).  In Ephesians 5:21, Paul talks about the necessity of a husband and wife placing themselves under each other's authority out of respect for Christ” Ephesians 5:21. 

"We may have different roles and responsibilities, but one is not over the other," Mutuality of servanthood, submission, and sacrifice is the Biblical model for the Trinity and for godly relationships, including marriage." For as we cultivate love we strengthen our ability to cope with all that life might bring. And in the process, we are reminded that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28)

Revenge

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”  - Romans 12:19

It is tempting to try to take on the role of God and seek to punish those who we feel deserve it, even when we previously vowed to love them until death. But because we are sinful creatures, it is impossible for us to take revenge with pure motives. This is why the Mosaic Law contains the command “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD” (Leviticus. 19:18).

Even David, a “man after God’s own heart” (1 Samuel 13:14), refused to take revenge on Saul, even though David was the innocent party being wronged. David submitted to God’s command to forego vengeance and trust in Him: “May the LORD judge between you and me. And may the LORD avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you (1 Samuel 24:12).

As Christians, we are to follow the Lord Jesus’ command to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44) We must follow the example of Jesus Christ. Our response must be of love and prayer towards those who are at enmity towards us (Matthew 5:43-45). As Christians we are to retaliate in prayer and with love and leave the vengeance to God alone.

Justice and Fairness

Love keeps no record of being wronged - 1 Corinthians 13:5

But that is not fair is the cry of every five-year-old who noticed their sibling’s serving of ice cream is bigger.  This desire for fairness leads us to being adults who want justice when done wrong.  However, Paul informs us that “keeps no record of wrongs.” Or, as the Amplified Bible translates it, “It takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].”

In order to understand why Paul wrote that love keeps no record of wrong, we have to understand what was going on in the early church.  Members of the early church were suing each other instead of settling matters among themselves (I Corinthians 6:1-8).  They had forgotten Micah’s call “to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God,” (6:8).  Notice how we are to act justly not seek justice when wronged. 

In Micah’s call, we are also to love mercy which means loving others with a love that they don’t deserve, especially when they have done us wrong.  Jesus demonstrated this type of love when He died on the cross for all the ways we did wrong and will ever do wrong.  So what is a Christian to do when done wrong or just not treated fairly in a relationship?  We are to follow the advice of Colossians 3:13-14. “Forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” It is only through forgiveness and not keeping a record of wrong doing that love is able to grow in relationships.

If you are ready to deal with the things that compete with love, I highly recommend scheduling an appointment with a qualified Christian mental health therapist and/or checking out the below books on marriage and love.  

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You can read part 3 of this series here: Things that compete with love part 3 and part 1 of this series here: Things that compete with love part 1.  

Note: the idea that there are 12 things that compete with love was first present in Feeling Good Together: The Secret of Making Troubled Relationships Work by David Burns and adapted for a Christian audience by this author.  

About the Author: 

Corine Williams, Ph.D. is Clinical Psychologist that is currently seeing clients in the States of Maryland, New Jersey, and New York. You can find out more about her practice by visiting www.therapyforchristians.com/corinewilliams.  In addition to providing individual therapy, Dr. Williams is also passionate about writing books and designing merchandise that educate, uplift, and normalize mental health subjects in the Christian community. You can find out more about her at  www.booksbycorine.com or by visiting her amazon profile here: https://www.amazon.com/Corine-Hyman/e/B00AWZ5FL2

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