Does Couples Therapy Work? - Questions to Help Ensure it Does

There are times in our lives when things don't go as planned and we end up somewhere we never thought we would. Like right now, for example. I bet when you got married, you never thought you'd be here, reading a post on "does couples therapy work" or "how to increase the effectiveness of marriage counseling."

Still, you're here and even though you may be feeling sad, disappointed, and angry right now, the fact that you are here means there's hope. It means you don't want to quit on something you know was ordained by God. It means you want to save your marriage and you're willing to do whatever it takes.

Holding onto hope and taking initiative when things are crumbling all around you is not easy. So before we get into the rest of the post, I want to remind you that God sees everything and He knows your heart. He is with you and He will not let your efforts be wasted. He will help both you and your spouse not only get through this, but come out stronger than before. As long as you both are willing to put in the work, marriage counseling will work.

Why Doesn't Couples Therapy Work for Some People?

There are a few reasons why couples therapy doesn't work for some people but here are the most common reasons:

One person doesn't want to be there and/or has already given up on the marriage.
Both people expect the therapist to help change their spouse.
There is a lack of honesty, trust, and patience during counseling on one or both sides.
The couple is unable to listen to each other without judging or reacting in anger.
One or both partners have individual addictions or mental illness that they won’t believe is affecting their marriage.
One or both partners refuse to do the work outside of sessions.
The couple went to an unqualified therapist, or a therapist who was not a good fit for them. While some will claim one type of therapist (i.e., marriage and family therapists) are better than another type of therapist, research does not support this claim. What is most important is that you feel comfortable with the marriage counselor and that you see a qualified marriage counselor.

These are just some of the reasons relationship therapy doesn't work sometimes, but there is more. In addition, to learning about the things that compete with love; the truth is, until and unless both people really want to make the marriage work, it won't work.

If you're willing to give it your all but your spouse would rather end it now, couples therapy won't do much. It is incredibly important that both of you want it to work. If you both want to make it work, that's amazing and it most likely will work, but you guys need to follow some ground rules.

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What Are The Ground Rules For Couples Therapy?

Each mental health professional will have specific ground rules of how they conduct their marriage counseling sessions. However, below are three universal ground rules that will increase the success of couples counseling.

1. Listen to each other calmly and without judgment

Your marriage counselor will ask questions. Your spouse's answers to those questions might be far from what you wanted or expected to hear. When that happens, it is a chance for you to get curious, instead of furious. Remember there are five different ways you can replace judgment with curiosity. Also remember you will get your chance to speak but in order for couples therapy to work, you both should listen just as much if not more than you speak.

2. Stop blaming the other person for your marriage problems

I know, this can be hard, especially if you truly believe that they caused all the problems. However, you want this to work, right? If you do, you have to be willing to stop blaming the other person and give yourself time to reflect on your role in the conflict. It's important to take a step back and look at the problem objectively instead of thinking you know it all. You may be wrong as well and this step might just help you see that.

3. Focus on changing yourself, not the other person

When you attend marriage counseling, try not to focus on whether it's changing your spouse. You're there to make your marriage work, not to get your partner fixed by the therapist. The fact is, you can't control what your spouse does but you can control what you do. So focus on yourself and if you realize you need to change in certain ways, don't wait to see what your partner does first. Do what you know you should, and trust God, it will all fall into place.

How Often Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Based on research in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, couple counseling positively impacts 70% of couples receiving treatment. However, certain therapeutic approaches have a higher success rate including emotionally focused couples therapy, or EFT, and the Gottman Approach.

Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) Vs. Gottman Therapy

A simple way to think about the difference between EFT and Gottman therapy is that EFT is more feelings based and Gotttman therapy is more skill based.

Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) - is a therapeutic approach to couples therapy based on attachment and bonding theories. Emotionally-focused therapy is founded on the premise that emotions are not only vital in our lives, but also the key to who we are. Denial of negative feelings separates us from our partner. EFT provides tools to cope, regulate, and change negative emotions into positive ones. During treatment sessions, the EFT therapist will help you and your spouse acquire new ways to control and cope with unpleasant emotions.

Gottman Therapy - works to transform negative emotions like defensiveness and disdain into positive feelings that help partners bond. It's a structured therapy that often begins with an assessment and involves a variety of practical skills that you and your partner will learn in the therapeutic environments and then apply between sessions. The Gottman Method is built on the foundation of the Sound Relationship House Theory, which consists of seven levels of relationship growth.

In addition to seeking a therapist that has knowledge in EFT or Gottman Therapy, there are several questions you can ask yourself before entering into couples counseling.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Entering Couples Therapy?

To maximize the effect of marriage counseling even before you start, both you and your spouse should honestly answer the following questions:

1. On a scale of 0 to 100, where 100 indicates highly motivated, rate your motivation for developing a more loving relationship. The lower the score, the lower the likelihood of therapy being effective.

2. On a scale of 0 to 100, where 100 indicates highly motivated, how strong is your motivation to leave or try a trial separation? The higher the score, the lower the chances of couples therapy being effective.

3. Who is to blame for your current relationship problems in your opinion? If you can say it's your partner without a second thought, couple therapy is less likely to be effective.

4. Who, in your opinion, should change themselves the most? If you can say it's your partner without a second thought, therapy is less likely to be effective.

5. Do you feel comfortable accepting 100% of the blame for the problems in your marriage, and do you agree to work with your therapist to identify your own role in them? This is going to be a painful process but if you do not want to or are unable to endure the pain that comes with self-examination, then the marriage therapy will not work. One way to start accepting the blame and working on the problems in your marriage is by increase your self-awareness through reading self-help books. You can find our recommendations for self-help books here: Christian self-help books.

6. Can you dedicate all of your energy to changing yourself instead of trying to change, blame, or punish your partner? A refusal to answer this question in the affirmative will likely result in therapy not being effective.

7. Would you be willing to follow the marriage counselor's recommendations outside of your sessions? In most cases, therapy takes about an hour a week. That's why, if you want your marriage to improve, you will also need to do certain things outside of therapy. In the same way, a person learning to play the piano would not be able to learn the instrument effectively by practicing only once a week, the same applies to couples in marriage counseling.

When Should I Seek Marriage Counseling?

According to Dr. John Gottman, a relationship and marriage expert, couples wait an average of six years before seeking treatment. Consider this statistic for a moment. Couples have six years of their relationships not working before embarking on the critical process of learning to resolve conflicts effectively.

The sooner you begin, the greater your chances of having successful marital therapy will be. However, if you cannot answer these questions, or you answer them in a way that indicates successful therapy, I would not recommend seeing a marriage counselor at this time. Instead, individual therapy may be the best approach.

It's extremely important for both people to give up the blame/victim mindset before marriage counseling begins. If you've realized that you are not ready for marriage counseling, do not be disheartened. God is with you and He works all things for good. Take this time to focus on yourself while praying for your marriage and your partner. God willing, both of you will be ready in time.

If your answers to those questions indicate that you are ready. I wish you both only the best on this journey. As you put in the work to save your marriage, remember to put God first, continue to pray, and be the change you want to see. God is with you in this process. Trust in Him and trust in His plans for your life and marriage.

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About the Author:

Corine Williams, Ph.D. is Clinical Psychologist that is currently seeing clients in the States of Maryland, New Jersey, and New York. You can find out more about her practice by visiting www.therapyforchristians.com/corinewilliams. In addition to providing individual therapy, Dr. Williams is also passionate about writing books and designing merchandise that educate, uplift, and normalize mental health subject in the Christian community. You can find out more about her at www.booksbycorine.com or by visiting her amazon profile here: https://www.amazon.com/Corine-Hyman/e/B00AWZ5FL2

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Disclaimer: the information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this article are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you are looking for a Christian counselor near you, please check out our directory located here: Christians Therapist Near Me