What is Stonewalling? Your Top Questions Answered!

Stonewalling is a destructive behavior that can slowly chip away at the foundation of any relationship. It's a form of emotional abuse that involves one person shutting down during conflict and refusing to communicate, leaving the other person feeling unheard and frustrated.

While everyone experiences conflict in their relationships, it's how we handle these conflicts that can make all the difference. In this article, we'll discuss the dangers of stonewalling, how to recognize it in your relationships, and what you can do to prevent it. By the end of this article, you'll have a better understanding of this destructive behavior and how to ensure that your relationships are healthy, respectful, and loving.

Health Ads by

What are the Different Types of Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is also known as giving someone the silent treatment and a learned defense mechanism. Stonewalling comes in two forms and it's important to distinguish between them:

Unintentional stonewalling occurs when people feel overwhelmed during a conflict, they may use stonewalling as a defense mechanism to protect themselves and regain control. In such cases, stonewalling is not intentional or malicious, but rather a survival mechanism that is used to cope with the situation. These actions are often observed when someone has reached their emotional limit and is unable to engage in further communication or conflict resolution.

Intentional stonewalling occurs when the person is aware that they are stonewalling and are doing it make the other person doubt themselves and their abilities. This type of stonewalling is usually vary calculating in nature and done to ultimately give the stonewaller the upper hand in the relationship.

What are the Signs and Examples of Stonewalling?

Like this content on Facebook

Stonewalling can be a damaging behavior in relationships and can create feelings of frustration, anger, and isolation in the person who is being stonewalled. In fact, researchers at the Gottman Institute identified stonewalling as one of the four biggest predictors of divorce. Therefore, it is important to learn to recognize the signs of stonewalling. In order to help you recognize the signs of stonewalling, we have provided several common examples of stonewalling below:

Refusing to engage in conversation or respond to questions.
Walking away from or ending a conversation abruptly.
Becoming silent and unresponsive.
Using dismissive body language, such as refusing to make eye contact or acknowledge the other person.
Pretending not to hear or understand what the other person is saying.
Refusing to acknowledge the other person's feelings or experiences.
Using distractions, such as technology or work, to avoid interaction.
Not making eye contact or not sending nonverbal signs that you are listening to your partner.

What Causes Someone to Stonewall?

There can be various reasons why someone may stonewall during conflict. Here are some of the common causes:

Emotional overload: During a heated argument or discussion, some people may become overwhelmed with emotions, making it difficult for them to engage in constructive communication.
Past Trauma: Some individuals may have had negative experiences in their past, which makes them hesitant to communicate or confront their feelings.
Fear of conflict: Some people may stonewall as a way of avoiding conflict, which they perceive as uncomfortable or threatening.
Power dynamics: Stonewalling can also be used as a means of gaining power and control in a relationship, by denying the other person a voice or shutting down communication.
Communication issues: Poor communication skills or lack of trust can also contribute to stonewalling behavior.

It's important to note that regardless of the cause, stonewalling can have serious negative effects on a relationship and should be addressed in order to promote healthy communication and emotional well-being.

Is Stonewalling Manipulative or Abusive?

When stonewalling is unintentional, it is almost never abusive. For example, conflict often triggers strong emotions that can cause an increase in heart rate, the release of stress hormones, and the fight or flight response. During this response, a person's rational abilities and responses may be limited. As a result, the person my stonewall to self-protect and self-soothe during conflicts.

On the other had, when someone intentionally uses stonewalling in a relationship, to gain power in a relationship or to avoid accountability it is abusive and/or manipulative. Here are some signs that stonewalling may be abusive and/or manipulative:

The stonewaller determines when their partner communicates.
The silent treatment only ends when the partner apologizes or give in.
It's a recurring pattern and/or lasts for lengthy periods of time.
The stonewaller uses stonewalling as a way to punish their partner for perceived wrongs.
The stonewaller may use the threat of stonewalling as a way to control their partner's behavior or get their way in a conflict.

Pin & Save for Later!

How Do You Deal with Stonewalling in Your Relationship?

Dealing with stonewalling in a relationship can be challenging. There are different actions you should take if your are the stonewaller or being stonewalled.

How Do You Respond to a Stonewaller?

In accordance with the wisdom of Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV):

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility, regard others as more significant than yourselves. Let each of you not only look to your own interests but also to the interests of others.

Stay calm and avoid escalating: Don't take stonewalling personally or lash out. It's important to understand that your partner is feeling overwhelmed, not trying to hurt you. In light of this, respecting their need for space aligns with the call to humility, emphasizing the importance of considering others as more significant than oneself.
Emphasize your desire to connect: Let your partner know you want to work things out together. Express your feelings and needs in a non-blaming way.
Suggest a time-out: If you feel the conversation is getting heated, propose a break for both of you to calm down. Respect their need for space and don't pressure them to talk before they're ready. By refraining from pressuring them to talk prematurely, one exemplifies the selfless attitude encouraged in Philippians 2:3-4.
Reconnect when they return: Furthermore, the biblical guidance underscores the value of reconnecting with an open heart upon their return, emphasizing the mutual understanding of each other's feelings and a collaborative effort to find solutions together.Once they come back, be open to hearing their perspective. Focus on understanding each other's feelings and finding solutions together.

Health Ads by

What to Do if You are Stonewalling Your Partner?

If you find yourself stonewalling your partner in a relationship, it's important to take proactive steps to address and improve this behavior. Here are some suggestions on what to do if you are stonewalling your partner:

Recognize and acknowledge your behavior: The first step is to become aware of your stonewalling tendencies and acknowledge the impact it has on your partner and the relationship. Recognizing that stonewalling is a problem is essential for initiating change.
Take responsibility for your actions: Accepting responsibility for your behavior is crucial. Understand that stonewalling is a choice and not a productive way to address relationship issues. Recognize the role you play in the breakdown of communication.
Reflect on the underlying reasons: Explore the underlying reasons that lead you to stonewall. It could be related to fear, insecurity, past trauma, or difficulty managing emotions. Reflecting on these reasons can help you understand your triggers and work towards addressing them.
Communicate your needs: Instead of shutting down or withdrawing, learn to express your needs, concerns, and emotions to your partner. Practice open and honest communication, using "I" statements to express how you feel without blaming or criticizing your partner.
Practice active listening: Make a conscious effort to actively listen to your partner when they express their thoughts and feelings. Show genuine interest and empathy, and avoid interrupting or dismissing their perspective.
Take breaks when needed: If you feel overwhelmed or flooded with emotions during a discussion or conflict, it's acceptable to take a break. Communicate to your partner that you need some time to calm down and gather your thoughts, but make sure to set a specific time to resume the conversation.
Seek professional help if necessary: Consider seeking the assistance of a couples therapist or relationship counselor who can provide guidance and support in improving communication patterns and resolving conflicts. A therapist can help you and your partner navigate through the challenges of stonewalling and develop healthier relationship dynamics.

Remember, breaking the pattern of stonewalling takes time and effort. It's essential to approach this process with a willingness to change and a commitment to creating a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.

Is Stonewalling Narcissistic?

Stonewalling is often a characteristic of individuals with narcissistic tendencies. Narcissistic individuals may use stonewalling as a means of asserting control, avoiding accountability, or as a way to manipulate others. However, it's important to note that not all individuals who stonewall are necessarily narcissistic, and other factors may contribute to this behavior. A proper diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder should be made by a licensed mental health professional.

What is the Difference Between Stonewalling and Gaslighting?

Stonewalling and gaslighting are two distinct but related tactics that are used to manipulate and control others in a relationship.

Stonewalling is when one person emotionally withdraws from a conversation or interaction, avoiding communication and connection with the other person. This can be used to shut down difficult conversations or to avoid accountability.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow doubt in another person's perception of reality. This can involve denying that events took place, manipulating evidence, or shifting blame. The goal of gaslighting is to make the victim question their own memories and experiences, leading to feelings of confusion and insecurity.

While both stonewalling and gaslighting can be used together, they are distinct tactics with different goals and outcomes. Understanding these differences can help individuals recognize and resist manipulation in their relationships.

Is it Ever Healthy for Someone to Stonewall His Partner?

It's not healthy for anyone, regardless of gender, to engage in stonewalling behavior in a relationship. Stonewalling involves emotionally withdrawing from a conversation or interaction and avoiding communication and connection with the other person. This behavior can be damaging to relationships and can create feelings of frustration, anger, and isolation.

In healthy relationships, partners communicate openly and respectfully with each other, even in difficult conversations. Instead of stonewalling, it's better for individuals to take a break from a conversation if they are feeling overwhelmed or emotional, and then return to the conversation when they are ready to engage constructively.

It's important for individuals to recognize and address stonewalling behavior and work together to improve communication and resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

How is Stonewalling Different from Cooling Down?

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. (Ephesians 4:26-27, ESV)

Stonewalling and cooling down are two different approaches to handling conflict or difficult situations.

Stonewalling refers to a defensive behavior where a person completely shuts down communication and emotionally withdraws from a conversation or relationship. It involves intentionally avoiding or ignoring the other person, refusing to engage or respond to their attempts at communication. Stonewalling can be seen as a form of passive aggression or a way to exert control over the situation by creating distance.

On the other hand, cooling down refers to a healthy coping mechanism used to manage intense emotions and prevent immediate, impulsive reactions during conflicts. Cooling down involves taking a step back from the situation, temporarily disengaging, and giving yourself time and space to regain composure and perspective. It is a proactive approach to prevent further escalation and promote constructive dialogue once emotions have subsided.

An example of stonewalling could be a couple having an argument where one person becomes silent, refuses to speak or acknowledge the other person's presence, and ignores their attempts to resolve the conflict. This behavior can create frustration and further strain the relationship.

In contrast, an example of cooling down could be two friends involved in a heated discussion about a sensitive topic. Recognizing that emotions are running high, one friend suggests taking a break and agreeing to revisit the conversation after both have had time to cool down. They understand that continuing the conversation in the present moment may lead to more hurtful or unproductive exchanges.

While the Bible does not explicitly address stonewalling or cooling down, it does offer guidance on healthy communication, conflict resolution, and the importance of relationships. One relevant verse is Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV), which says, "In your anger, do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." This verse emphasizes the need to address conflicts in a timely manner and not allow unresolved anger or negative emotions to fester, as it can create division and provide an opportunity for discord to grow. It encourages seeking resolution and reconciliation rather than engaging in stonewalling behavior that hinders the healing and restoration of relationships.

Is There Therapy for Stonewalling?

Yes, therapy can be helpful in addressing stonewalling behaviors and working towards healthier patterns of communication and relationship dynamics.

Therapists or counselors who specialize in couples therapy or relationship counseling can provide guidance and support for individuals and couples dealing with stonewalling. They can help identify the underlying causes of stonewalling, such as fear, past trauma, or difficulty managing emotions, and work on developing alternative coping strategies.

Therapy for stonewalling often involves:

Creating a safe space: The therapist ensures that both individuals feel heard and validated, providing a non-judgmental environment for open communication in an emotionally safe environment.
Exploring emotions: The therapist helps individuals explore their emotions and underlying triggers that contribute to stonewalling behavior. This process can increase self-awareness and provide insight into the reasons behind the defensive response.
Improving communication skills: Therapy can focus on enhancing communication skills, such as active listening, expressing emotions effectively, and assertive communication. Learning healthier ways to express needs, thoughts, and emotions can foster understanding and connection.
Developing emotional regulation: Therapists may help individuals develop strategies for managing intense emotions and stress, so they can respond to conflicts in a more constructive manner. This can involve relaxation techniques, mindfulness exercises, and self-care practices.
Rebuilding trust and connection: Through therapy, individuals and couples can work on rebuilding trust, repairing damaged relationships, and fostering a deeper connection. This may involve exploring past hurts, forgiving, and creating new patterns of communication and intimacy.

Remember, each individual's journey in therapy is unique, and the specific therapeutic approach will depend on the therapist's expertise and the needs of the individuals or couple seeking help.

If you want to do a deep dive into stonewalling and other principles identified by Dr. John Gottman you can check out his books below via Amazon:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, & Joy Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection

Final Thoughts on Stonewalling

Stonewalling can be a deeply damaging force in any relationship, leaving both partners feeling hurt, unheard, and alone. But remember, it's not an inevitable sentence. By understanding the causes and consequences of stonewalling, and by actively working towards healthier communication patterns, you can break free from this destructive cycle and build a stronger, more fulfilling connection with your partner.

Here are some key takeaways to remember on your journey:

Stonewalling is rarely intentional, but its impact is always negative. If you find yourself stonewalling, take a step back and acknowledge your emotions. What's triggering this behavior? Can you communicate your needs in a more constructive way?
Open and honest communication is essential for healthy relationships. Practice active listening, express your feelings using "I" statements, and be willing to compromise. Remember, it's a two-way street.
Conflict is inevitable, but how you handle it matters. If emotions run high, take a time-out to cool down before resuming the conversation. Remember, the goal is to understand each other, not win an argument.
Seek professional help if needed. Therapists can provide valuable guidance and support in developing healthier communication skills and resolving conflicts constructively.

Remember, building a strong, loving relationship takes time and effort. By committing to open communication, mutual understanding, and a willingness to grow, you can overcome stonewalling and create a lasting bond with your partner.

And as the Bible verse Ephesians 4:26-27 reminds us, don't let anger fester and create distance. Address conflicts promptly, forgive each other, and work towards reconciliation. With dedication and love, you can build a relationship that thrives on healthy communication and mutual respect.

If you have other questions about stonewalling, please let us know in the comments below?

Before you leave, we would appreciate it if you helped us spread the word by sharing, tweeting, pinning, etc. this post.

About the Author:

Corine Williams, Ph.D. is Clinical Psychologist that is currently seeing clients in the States of Maryland, New Jersey, and New York. You can find out more about her practice by visiting www.therapyforchristians.com/corinewilliams. In addition to providing individual therapy, Dr. Williams is also passionate about writing books and designing merchandise that educate, uplift, and normalize mental health subject in the Christian community. You can find out more about her at www.booksbycorine.com or by visiting her amazon profile here: https://www.amazon.com/Corine-Hyman/e/B00AWZ5FL2

Help us increase mental health awareness in the Christian community by donating through our paypal link here: www.paypal.com/therapyforchristians, joining our mailing list by clicking below, or join our provider list here: Provider listing

Disclaimer: the information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this article are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you are looking for a Christian counselor near you, please check out our directory located here: Christians Therapist Near Me