Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 

Do you have the DNA of a good lover? . . .  The short answer is, “Yes!” Everything you need for healthy intimacy is already a part of God’s design for mankind. It’s a beautiful plan that values relationship, respect, and being fully you. Let’s explore the four traits of a good lover found in the book of Genesis (chapters 1 and 2) and see how you can activate them in your marriage today.

The 4 Traits of a Good Lover

1. Desire a relationship of honor - Genesis 1:26-27 says, “let us make man in our image”. The relationship that God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit have with each other defers to one another and recognizes their unique roles. It welcomes each entity and makes room to live in harmony with one another.
 
 That’s our example as a lover. Husbands and wives are to recognize each other as equals with a vital and shared input into the relationship. There is no room for selfishness or self-centered actions.
 

2.  Make oneness a priority - Genesis 2: 23-24 says (Adam to Eve), “you are bone of my bone”. Their ‘leave and cleave’ action showed they were a part of each other.
 
 For married couples, their union is a place of trust and strength. They build communication that hears, knows, and believes the best of each other. This creates an atmosphere for lovemaking that is safe to explore and enjoy.
 

3. Show up authentically - Genesis 2:25 says, “Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed”. They felt freedom to be and express themselves. There were no past experiences or negative messages that inhibited them.
 
 Following this example, married couples can be comfortable in their own skin. This transparency includes being vulnerable and yielded, first emotionally and then, sexually. It also sets the tone for being aware of sensations, pleasures, and desires. 

4.  Pursue the benefits - Genesis 1:28 and 31 says, “be fruitful and multiply”. What God made, He said was good. The good benefits to love-making are for the whole person, spirit, soul, and body.
 

Sexual intimacy in marriage is good for your: 

Spirit- when you follow God’s design, you partner with Him, activate truth, and align your identity with His destiny
 
Soul- when you participate in this beautiful love, it increases your self-esteem, decreases your stress, boosts your mood, and accelerates productivity; which provides security and stability 

Body- the physical act of sexual intimacy fosters better sleep, works as a natural pain reliever, boosts the immune system, lowers risk of heart problems, triggers good-for-you hormones, and releases total-body pleasure sensations
 
These four traits of a good lover, found in the book of Genesis, continue to be God‘s plan for mankind. Though you may have some modern obstacles in your thinking to overcome, sexual intimacy is still God’s gift to marriage. 

Activate Your Traits

1. Seek God to reveal ways you haven’t believed His goodness about sexual intimacy

Most people have misunderstandings because views in culture portray sex as a ‘gimmie’, selfish attitude. People feel used. It seems like sex is cheap. Wounds are caused by everyday dysfunction and harmful situations like abuse, rape and the destruction of pornography and human trafficking.  

On the other hand, traditional church views are shaming about sex. While the ‘true love waits’ movement had great motivation, it also inhibited Christian couples after marriage. They had a clear image of the “no” about sex but were missing the “YES” that follows wedding vows.

 2. Pray for healing from sexual wounds, and freedom to embrace this new understanding 

The ‘sex is bad’ and ‘I feel cheap’ messages are tough to battle. It takes a conscious un-partnering with these thoughts to break their power. The bottom line results in a choice. Ask yourself, “Will I believe the lies or God’s truth?” 

3. Talk about these traits with your spouse
 
 You can open the conversation by saying, “I’ve been reading some ideas about sex in Christian marriage. I’m trying to decide what I think. Can I share these points with you and hear your perspective?” That may feel awkward at first, but using an objective source of information will shift the focus. 

See yourself as a good lover

Remember, you are made in God’s image. Thank Him for His design, already inside of you. Begin to see sexual intimacy in marriage NOT like the world does but in a true, caring, giving, and fun way. In the boundless love of God, intimacy is limitless.

Author Bio

Mary Whitman Ortiz, MA, CLC is passionate about empowering healthy, Christian sexuality in marriage. As a Christian sex educator, relationship coach, author, and speaker, she helps women and couples globally, and is regularly featured on TV as a relationship expert.  

God brought healing to sexual wounds from her past, so she knows first-hand the joy of restoration and freedom. Mary is happily married and loves to jet-ski with her husband when she’s not at home spoiling their Miniature Schnauzer. You can learn more about her by visiting https://marywhitmanortiz.com   

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