A Christians Guide to Supporting an Adult Child with Mental Illness

As a clinical psychologist, I get a lot of questions. Some of the most frequent questions come from parents seeking ways to cope or help their grown child with mental illness. 

For example, some mothers say “My son has a mental illness and won't get help.” . . . “My schizophrenic son hates me.” . . .“My bipolar daughter hates me.” . . . “My daughter’s anxiety is killing me.”

While I hate the fact that parents who would never call someone “a cancer-ic" or "a diabetic", choose to label their children by their mental illness, my heart also breaks for the pain they, as parents, experience.

I know it's hard. I know that watching the child your brought up suffer, makes you suffer. I know you often feel lost and wonder where God is. So I want to remind you today that He is with you.

He is with your child as well and even though you all are going through unbearable pain, there is hope. There will always be hope.

God has not forsaken you and He never will. Today, as you look for ways to cope, as you try to find ways to help your grown child overcome their mental illness, know that it is possible. It can and will be done. Things will get better.

Jesus replied, “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.” 

John 13:7 (NLT)

We often don't understand what God is doing but we know He is in control. We can't stop certain things from happening but we can trust Him to help us through it.

Having a child with mental illness is one of these things. It is not your fault and it's not something you could have prevented. It's something God allowed to happen for reasons you don't yet understand. Still, you can trust Him. He will guide you.

Although prayer should always be our first response, it doesn't stop there. There are many steps you need to take in order to help your grown child overcome this.

When you know why things are happening the way they are and what you can do about it, you will find it much easier to cope.

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Here are 7 things you can today to help both you and your child overcome these trying times.

1. Understand - Any good parent wants their child to know right from wrong. When we know our child is wrong and we are right, we are usually quick to correct them because that's what a parent does. We are called to teach our children.

However, when your grown child is suffering from a mental illness, understanding is required more than discipline. You've grown them up in the way should go and although it feels like they're departing from it, they're not. Right now, they have lost control over their own thoughts and they need you to understand that without reminding them of it.

Listen to what they have to say, then repeat it back to them so they feel like they are heard. You don't necessarily have to agree in order to empathize. Your child, at this moment, needs your empathy.

2. Remind - You, as a parent, know that your love has never faded. Your child's failures, tantrums, and shortcomings never lessened your love. You know this, but they probably don't.

Remind your child that you love them today as much as you did when they were born, and nothing they do can change that.

Remind them that you're there for them and that even though they have grown up, they are still your child. Make it known that they can come to you whenever they need someone to talk to.

The only thing you shouldn't remind them of is their illness, they need to feel loved, not judged.

3. Recognize - Firstly, you need to recognize that this is not your fault. There is nothing you could have done while bringing your child up to prevent this. Just like cancer, it's an illness and it can happen to anyone. So stop blaming yourself.

Secondly, you need to recognize that even as a parent, you may not be the best person to help. If your child does not trust you, it won't work. If you're always frustrated while trying to help, it won't work.

If this is the case, seek the help of someone they trust, someone you know loves them, or a therapist. Sometimes this is the best thing you can do for you and for your child.

4.  Ask - Without reminding them that they are ill, ask your child what they want to do about how they've been feeling.

As a grown child, they have a right to their own decisions and they know that, so forcing your decisions on them won't work no matter how beneficial they are.

Ask them how they feel, if they would like to talk to you or if they'd prefer to talk to a therapist who would keep everything confidential.

When they are asked instead of told, they feel more in control and respond better to what you're saying.

 6.  Set Limits - Grown children feel like they're free to make their own choices, which is true. However, when they're under your roof, they should follow your rules.

Trying to get grown children to listen is hard enough, but when you have a grown child with mental illness, it's even harder. You may be suffering along with them, you may want to empathize with them but when they behave badly, you need to let them know.

Tell them that you love them and you understand that they're finding hard to control some of the things they say and do but you won't tolerate physical or emotional abuse. Not towards you nor other members of the family.

7. Get help - First, go to God, pray and listen, He is always willing to help. Then go to family members and close friends, your child is in pain, but so are you, do not neglect yourself. Talking to someone will help.

If you realize you're not alone and you're somehow managing to cope but still need help with your child. Reach out to a therapist, we're always here help in the best way we can.

Remember, you are not alone. Things will get better. You and your child will smile again. Things may never be the same as they were before but they will be better. God will come through for you.

Soon enough, you will wake up to a new day, a new season and you will finally understand why all this had to happen. Until then, press on, with faith hope, and everlasting love for the child God gave you.

Those are the seven things that I recommend, but I would love to hear other thoughts in the comment sections.  Also, if you are looking for a few good books, check out my recommendations below:

When Your Love One Suffers from AnxietyWhen Your Love One Suffers from DepressionWhen Your Love One Suffers from Attention Deficit DisorderWhen Your Love One Suffers from Sexual AddictionWhen Your Love One Suffers from Borderline Personality DisorderWhen Your Love One Suffers from Bipolar DisorderWhen Your Love One Suffers from Narcissistic Personality DisorderWhen Your Love One Suffers from Post-traumatic Stress DisorderWhen Your Love One Suffers from Alcohol or Drug Addiction

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About the Author: 

Corine Williams, Ph.D. is Clinical Psychologist that is currently seeing clients in the States of Maryland, New Jersey, and New York. You can find out more about her practice by visiting www.therapyforchristians.com/corinewilliams  However, her passion is to write books that educate, uplift, and help provide parents with a tool to talk about difficult subjects. You can find out more about her at  www.booksbycorine.com or by visiting her amazon profile here: https://www.amazon.com/Corine-Hyman/e/B00AWZ5FL2

Help us increase mental health awareness in the Christian community by donating through our paypal link here: www.paypal.com/therapyforchristians, joining our mailing list by clicking below, or join our provider list here: Provider listing

Disclaimer: the information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this article are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you are looking for a Christian counselor near you, please check out our directory located here: Christians Therapist Near Me